Forever

This title is a song from Vertical Horizon's album entitled, "Go" and is perfect for this post. Please take a listen to it after you read this post.

Dear Frankie:

I didn't get a chance to chat with you before I left work on Thursday. I was headed home to enjoy a 4-day weekend. Jennifer and I pushed up the day to find out the sex of our baby to Saturday because we knew Gabe would love to be there for it. I sent you a TXT to let you know that it was a boy! We are both very excited. I didn't hear back from you. I didn't think that was all too odd because there have been times in the past when I wouldn't get a response and would bust your chops about it the next day. This was big news, so I was a little disappointed that I didn't get a response. It's fine now- I understand why...

I heard the news from Nancy C. on Monday afternoon. When I got the TXT, I simply could not believe it, but something in my spirit wasn't surprised. I quickly got in touch with Alyson P. to confirm the news. I had no idea how it would impact the rest of the week and still don't know about the future implications on my life. I couldn't sleep for hours Monday night and the first thing I thought waking up Tuesday was that I will get to say hello when I get to work. I heard your voice while working Tuesday afternoon as well. I must have just missed you...

Yesterday, I must have daydreamed about hanging out with you and being able to chat with you twenty times before lunch alone. It was a pretty quiet day at work so I was able to hang out with you a lot that morning.

Today, we laughed about the fact that management wanted to close our offices Monday on your behalf, because we heard you say that "they didn't even close the department after that huge tornado ripped through Murfreesboro! That's crazy, right?" At work, we have done what you have asked and "nut up to come to work" even though we couldn't focus all to well the past few days...

On my way home today, I could swear I saw you driving back to work as I left for the day.

Anyway, all this to say that I miss you very much. We had a great friendship that went as far as we would both allow. Although barriers were put up in order for me not to get too close, I never took the initiative to try to break them down. I think it an unspoken agreement that we would respect our boundaries between each other. That said, we had an immediate common bond in the struggles you were going through because I am a witness to some of the same struggles in my family. I know how hard some of the days were for you and am proud of you for pushing through the dark days in your life.

You lit up every room that you walked into no matter where you were. You had an uncanny ability to make everyone feel comfortable and have a good laugh. I couldn't believe that they sat us together at work a few months ago- we knew it wasn't going to last long so we made it count and lived those days to the fullest. We were constantly causing humorous disturbances for everyone that would listen. They were easily the best days I ever had at work. Being your supervisor for a short time was less exciting, but we made it work. My expectations for you were slightly higher than the rest of the team to make sure that everyone knew I wasn't playing favorites with you. Thankfully, you understood, stepped up to the plate, and crushed it. I was happy to return to being a peer once again so we could get back to poking fun at the department and razzing our co-workers...

I do have one regret in our friendship. While we did have an occasional spiritual conversation, I never fully discussed and witnessed to you about my Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ. I am ashamed for not doing so with you and can only hope that God will forgive me. I know that your mother is a devout Christian, so I feel some comfort in knowing that you had heard the Gospel many times in your life and taken Jesus as your personal saviour. It is still my duty as a Christian to have that discussion with you and for not doing so, I am truly sorry.

I don't think that you truly knew the impact you had in your short time on earth. Everyone saw incredible potential in you and saw the same characteristics I saw that made you a special human being. You had so much love around you from a great many people in Tennessee. I loved you like the brother I never had and was always wanting to take care of you when I could. Right now, all I want is two seconds with you say hello to a close friend and see you smile one more time. One day, I hope I find peace with that feeling. I know that you are with your brother now, which I know allows you to be at peace after several years of unrest. Just know that I miss you dearly and hope to continue seeing you around corners, at your desk, or passing down the highway as I drive to and from work often.

Jennifer tells me that I keep too much of my thoughts and emotions inside. She is worried about me because I keep telling her, "I'm fine, I'm good." She knows that generally means I am not fine nor good, but I don't know what else to say. I really suck at grieving.

I am not ready to say goodbye just yet, so I will let you go and TXT you later. If you don't respond, I'll understand.

Michael